Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Zombie Worship Day

Ah, Easter. The day that countless atheists get asked by their boyfriend or girlfriend, "Come to church pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls..."

I hope everyone here also had a very pleasantly mind numbing Zombie Worship Day. As I contemplated the depths of foolishness in our world, some random questions crossed my mind.

Why would an all powerful god have just one son? Really? Come on now. So let's say this one was a blooper. Got nailed to the cross and OOPS, failed to rise again. Must have turned a little too much water into wine in his 20's, if you know what I mean. So big deal! God's god, right? Screw another virgin and bring forth 5 more sons. Why not? Seriously, why not?

Hell, maybe a daughter. Imagine how much sheep you could get for one of those! Godess, daughter of a virgin mother, only used once by your cousin Vinnie. NOW if you really want to talk about taking in all the sins of the world and come onto me... a lot more people would be going to Communion on Sunday mornings. I guarantee it.

But seriously, doesn't it feel kind of forced to claim it was God's only son? I mean it wouldn't really seem like such a big deal if he had more kids, would it? The whole punch line would fall apart without it. Greatest story ever told? Hah! Greatest plot convenience ever sold. The theological equivalent of sounds in outer space (ever try watching Star Wars with the mute button? Not as much fun!)

But imagine the prayers! "Almighty God, please bequeath onto us yet another one of your sons to die on this Glorious Day, Lord, so that the Midland Rebels may defeat their unworthy enemies and continue to the Texas State Championships, oh dear Lord God. Thus far this season, Father, you have sent 7 of your sons to die for our great football team, and we thank you, oh Lord. Thank You. Please, if there are any doves or pigeons or cats in a burlap sack that we can offer up... you know God, just saying, keep on doing what you're doing!" No wonder they thought it was best to keep this whole thing under wraps as a one time deal.

But alright, let's say there are logical theological reasons why a monotheistic god can only have one offspring. So then, how many sperm did it take for this god to impregnate the Virgin Mary? Being that he's an infallible, perfect god, then I can rightly reason that it would require no more than one solitary sperm. And since this god is perfect, he would have just the right amount of sperm for the job, no more, no less. By god, the Christian god has only had a single, solitary sperm! In all of eternity! He sacrificed his one and only sperm to save humanity! Incidentally, can you imagine having to create your own sperm? "And then God spoke, let there be a sperm, and so it was, a single sperm to save all humanity. And then God spoke, let there be an orgasm." But I digress.

So there you have it, and Bob's your uncle. I am in awe! Had I been in the possession of just a single sperm, I surely would have squandered it for the sake of a Penthouse by the time I hit 13. Sorry, humanity! No wonder Christians say that masturbation is a sin! You know, I think I'm really starting to understand this religion.


vjack said...

I seem to recall a tale in the Old Testament (I can't recall precisely where) in which the Christian god killed a man for masturbating. Evidently, spilling one's seed on the ground was considered sinful and punishable by death.

With April 1 coming up, I'm starting to wonder if this religion is really the greatest practical joke ever played.

the chaplain said...

I think the guy you're thinking of was Onan. What actually happened was that, since Onan's brother had died without heirs, Onan was obligated to sleep with his brother's wife (or wives, I don't remember how many) and provide heirs to carry on the brother's name. Well, Onan had sex with the wife (or wives) but pulled out early and "spilled his seed on the ground." His "sin" was in having sex with the wife/wives but not fulfilling his obligation to his brother's estate. So, he was having sex for self-gratification (I guess that's where the masturbation angle comes in) rather than procreation. Major no-no, as you know. :)

Maybe God couldn't impregnate more than one virgin because he might have started getting the hang of things and actually enjoying sex. Uh-oh!